Are you sick of that scam called happiness? Well, so are the rest of us! The meaningless pursuit of satisfaction has shackled mankind for too long, and this feel-good sham has got to go. Everyone has been plagued by the expectations of joy for centuries, and the unattainable nature of fulfillment keeps us all sad forever anyway. Since depression and despair are always looming, why not just embrace them? With this guide, you can chase happiness away and make sure it never comes back. It’s time to say good riddance to smiles with these # misery-inducing tips. After reading this manual, you may never laugh again, so don’t say we didn’t warn you!
- Stop Chasing Your Dreams… But Don’t Stop Having Them
Humans are hilarious creatures. We have the audacity to imagine big things and believe they are achievable. This kind of ambition is what allowed us to evolve and grow as a species, but now that we have already taken over Planet Earth, it begs the question: What’s the point? By pondering this perspective, you will soon realize the nihilistic truths of life that render your innermost hopes completely meaningless. Once you understand that the drive for success is just a primate’s façade, you will gradually stop seeking fame and recognition; however, this won’t bring you peace. Instead, the sensation of giving up will be devastating to your inner child, who is hardwired in your brain to never let go of their original desires. Accepting impossibility will cripple your innocence once and for all. Welcome to adulthood; what did you expect to find anyway?
- Quit Taking Personal Responsibility for Anything Ever Again
Live sucks and it’s everyone’s fault but your own. We all know the story. Well, if you stop and look back for a moment, I’m sure you could find some personal mistakes or regrets that helped lead to where you are now. Surely, this isn’t all random chance… Or is it? You know what? Let’s just go with that angle! Congratulations, dear reader, for you are now officially an infallible being. As a result, you now have the right to blame other people for any sin or atrocity that you might commit. When you think of the word responsibility, it might help to view it as a contraction between the words “response” and “ability.” In this sense, getting rid of this private virtue ensures that you will never have the ability to respond when a problem arises. Therefore, every malady may stick around endlessly!
- Learn to Procrastinate, Then Stall Non-stop… It’s Fun!
Life is so much more enjoyable when you just let slip away. To really waste your existence, try to make every minute totally useless. So, you have an important deadline at work? Why not watch cartoons instead! Wow, it’s your significant other’s birthday? Oh well, it’s time to get drunk and go gambling. Here’s what it all boils down to: Whenever an imperative task arises, try your best to do the exact opposite of what the situation calls for. This will make everyone disgruntled, and they will gladly share their displeasure. Usually, procrastination ends with an individual being abandoned in isolation to pick up the pieces. It’s sure to be a blast!
- Forget About the Doctor! Who Needs the Physician Anyway?
Hospitals are always telling people what to. Honestly, it’s starting to sound a little preachy. Doctors are a total rip-off. You know better than they do anyway. Why does eight years of medical school suddenly make them an authority on your health? They have such nerve being so audacious. Just because they save lives, they think they know how to help you. They should just get off their high horse! If you eventually do have to see a doctor, then write down every bit of advice you receive. Afterwards, go home and do the opposite of each step. Before you leave the practitioner’s office, make sure to tell them where exactly they can shove their Hippocratic Oath. Hint: It’s not pretty…
- Be Loud and Offensive in Public Wherever You Go
Do you every feel like you simply don’t have enough enemies? That’s actually a pretty common feeling, and the solution is very easy. Just show off the trifecta of noisy, ignorant and aggressive. Make sure to come up with statements that are politically or racially charged; then, just wait until you are in a crowded room full of strangers. To really make the masses mad, bide your time until you have a captive audience in an enclosed area. The best fights start on elevators and busses, and they create lasting injuries, let alone grudges.
- Refuse to Grow Up at All Costs
Do you know what everybody loves? You guessed correctly: It’s a man-child. No, actually, I’m kidding. Truthfully, there is no one more despised by society than a guy who won’t mature. So, accumulate the ire of all civilization by staying a little boy for life. Accomplish this by playing with toys and action figures around the clock. Never dress up for any event either. The most anyone deserves from you is a t-shirt, shorts and sandals. The effect works especially well when the clothing clearly hasn’t been replaced since childhood. When a dude is flaunting his comic book hoodie from elementary school, it transforms into a crop-top without permission. From now on, people will visualize your hairy belly during every social encounter they have with you. So long, friendships!
- Resist Change No Matter What! Remember, Stagnancy is Better Than Growth
Every part of life changes at some point, but you’re different. You’re special, aren’t you? That’s why you should fight the tides and lull yourself into despondency. Let’s face it: Transformation is too scary, and you probably won’t even like the new you anyway. All this growth is likely to turn you into an unrecognizable better person. You don’t want that in any way whatsoever!
- Bills? Who Needs Bills? That’s More Money for Beer and Video Games!
We all have financial obligations, but every individual responds to debt differently. Unhappy people have a unique reaction. They simply treat money matters with absolute apathy. Bills are for chumps anyway. It’s your money, so you have the right to spend it however you want. When the electricity gets cut off, just remember Tip #2. Find someone else to blame pronto, and then go back to drinking in the dark. If you get evicted for refusing to pay rent, offer your landlord some of those sweet, sweet video games. I’m sure they’ll love it. Otherwise, try pawning them for cash, or just run into the world of homelessness with open arms.
- Keep Up on the 24-Hour News Cycle. For Maximum Effect, Believe Every Word You Hear
We live in a time where pundits are constantly telling us what to fear and when. They actually paint a terrifying picture of the world we live in, and a lot of watchers slowly dissolve into a state of numb fear. Why not join them and partake in the horrors of humanity? If the war commentary doesn’t devastate you, then the natural disasters certainly will. Also, you will start looking at everyone like possible terrorists once you’ve been exposed to enough breaking news updates.
- Compare Yourself to Every Single Person You See on a Magazine Cover
The stars on magazines are flawless creatures with perfect looks that you could never hope to match. You should make it a point to remind yourself of this fact every day. These gorgeous people exist to make you miserable by comparison, so why aren’t you letting them? If you ever start feeling good about yourself, then just go to the store and glance at those size 0 frames or hulked out chiseled abs. Then, poke at your own pudginess, and go back into your world of sorrow. You like it better there anyway!
- Succumb to Peer Pressure All the Time! You Want to Be Popular, Right?
When in doubt, the smartest decision is always listening to those around you. All of your friends are probably geniuses, I’m sure, so you can trust their judgment at any given moment. Let your social group boss you around and manipulate you for their entertainment pleasure. You will hate yourself as you become their jester, and the laughter will soon make you snap. Have fun in the crazy house, bucko!
- Quit Trying to Make Friends… What Good are They Anyway?
Loneliness is the way to go for procuring sadness. Homo sapiens are social creatures by nature, and nothing hampers the psyche worse than isolation. Usually, being on your own is not a personally decision, especially early in life. This is why choosing to hide from the world is so damaging: It’s fundamentally unnatural and opposed to the human condition. Over time, you will become hyper-sensitized to any interactions with living beings, and the unnerving quality of these exchanges will serve to enforce a desire for further withdrawal.
- Spend More Time Focusing on What You Can’t Have or Afford
Buddha said that desire is the source of all suffering, so you better start craving material possessions like crazy. Devote a solid chunk of your time every day to looking at amazing stiff that you can’t have. Train yourself to salivate over expensive luxuries, and let them distract you from your professional pursuits. This pattern of wanting will slyly sabotage your ability to get what you want in the end.
- Be Frivolous with Your Money and Always Spend More Than You Have
Make it rain! Throw those bills around like it’s nobody’s business. Don’t keep track of your finances either. That’s what overdraft protection covers anyway! If you go into a negative balance, forget about paying it back; instead, just open a new account at some other gullible establishment. When your credit score plummets, just claim bankruptcy and wait out the cycle. After you have finished this round, just rinse and repeat!
- Stop Sleeping and Become an Insomniac
Relaxation is what repairs the mind and body, so cut off your rest to really fall apart in a jiffy! Enjoy your slow descent into madness, and don’t let anyone help you. Play loud music to stay awake, and do whatever it takes to fight the slumber. After a while, your dreams will kick in during your waking hours. These hallucinations may terrify you beyond belief, and latent schizophrenia may be triggered. For true woe, that will definitely do the trick!
- Enter Politics as a Profession. You’ll Always Have People to Fight
No one is more miserable than politicians. This is because their hob revolves around lying and spewing hatred while making sure no real work gets done. Your constituents will suffer while you do nothing, and the corrosive environment will corrupt you regardless of any perceived principles. You will become the exact monster you hate just by being elected one time.
- Say Goodbye to Grooming and Personal Hygiene
Depressed people rarely groom, and they don’t pay attention to appearances. Join their legions by getting grimy and staying that way. To really make it gross, try to get some of that smelly sweat on your hands whenever the opportunity arises. Then, when your friends get a whiff of your fragrant fingertips, they will gag with revulsion. For a more generalized nuisance, raise your arms upwards whenever possible. Really air out those armpits if you know what I mean!
- Remember to Take Everything That Anyone Says Personally
Being paranoid is a good thing. You will always be suspicious of others, but you might catch a potential bad guy someday. Just operate under the assumption that everyone secretly hates your guts. This will make you unnecessarily defensive, and the resulting confrontations will be incredible explosive. Trust me: No one will ever talk with you again!
- Obey Your Parents No Matter What Until They Die (or You Die, Whichever Comes First)
Mom and dad only want what is best for you, even if they have a terrible way of showing it. No, I’m just kidding; they have literally zero of your interests at heart. Actually, they only wanted a mini version of themselves to mold. You sorely disappoint them by having an identity, so give up any semblance of personality and appease them wholeheartedly. You will hate every second of it. Then, when they die, you’ll have nothing to show for the sacrifice.